I’ve lived through twenty-seven Valentine’s Days, and there is one Valentine’s Day that serves as a reminder of just how harsh the holiday can feel.

Let’s rewind to almost ten years ago.

The Nightmare Before Valentine’s Day

In 2003, I was a single, hopelessly romantic yet sexually frustrated college freshman with an innocent crush. Her name was Karen, and I had first met her during college orientation. Like any crush, I was infatuated with a girl that caused a flurry of butterflies to fill my stomach whenever I thought about her.

Throughout the school year I was hoping my friendship with Karen would blossom into a romantic affair. That I could be more than just a friend to her; possibly her boyfriend, and who knew, maybe this was the girl I was going to call my wife, the mother of my 2.5 children, and live within a house featuring white-picket fence.

Karen and I seemingly had so much in common. We would talk for hours about anything and everything. I would day-dream about her smiling at me, go to sleep dreaming about her lying beside me, and anticipated doing it all over again the next day.

For several months, I never told Karen how I felt about her. I wanted to romantically pursue her, but I didn’t exactly know how to transition from friends to lovers.  Also, I didn’t want to risk making things awkward for her and possibly ruining our friendship. I was hoping that fate would in one way or another intervene to bring us together, just like a romantic comedy.

When Valentine’s Day came approaching, I figured that day would be a great opportunity (read: excuse) to finally display my interest to her. I was somehow convinced that Karen would most definitely be my Valentine and that this was all fate (because that’s all I knew). Wanting desperately to impress her, I reserved a floral arrangement, booked a table for us at a fancy restaurant, and purchased tickets to a Broadway show I thought she’d enjoy. I was driven to make Valentine’s Day a special night for her.

A week before Valentine’s Day I assembled the courage to ask Karen out… over text. Minutes of no response felt like agonizing eternity while I waited anxiously near my phone. My palms were sweating, my heart racing; I had to force myself to remember to breathe.

A half hour went by and nothing.

An hour later and there was still no response.

After an hour and a half, Karen sent a text that she would call me later in the night.

I was very confused. It wasn’t exactly a “no”, so there was the hope she’d be my Valentine?

More anxiousness waiting by the phone, and when Karen called a couple of hours after her text, she mentioned how she was “sorry”. She didn’t “feel that way about me” and she “wasn’t looking for a relationship”.

Her words triggered an emotional pain that felt like a punch to the gut. I remember trying to fight back tears, still in shock that my “friend” whom I cherished just rejected an offer to be my Valentine.  Logically, I didn’t understand it at the time.

being a “nice guy” loser

My blissful vision of fate bringing Karen and I together turned over to a friend-zone nightmare that shattered my confidence. Angered, hurt, depressed, it would be four years until I ever asked out another girl. Four years!

The nightmare then was being a kid with a broken-heart. In retrospect, the nightmare was living in hope.

I hoped Karen would fall in love with me, but no girl is going to falling love with a spineless coward.

I hoped Karen would understand me, but expecting a girl to be rational, sincere, and logical is naive.

I hoped Karen would feel the same way about me, but emotions can’t be forced.

I hoped Karen would appreciate my efforts, but she had no obligation to do anything.

I hoped Karen would respect me, but I didn’t even respect myself.

I understand why Karen refused to be my Valentine. Instead of a mediocre experience of unrequited love, I foolishly allowed what happened to chisel my fate, when I should have been making my own. This would’ve meant approaching girls as a man to woman, not a friend to woman; meaning better to move fast with girls than to be indecisive and take things slow.

As I type this post, I’ve had close to a dozen different girls recently contact me. These were girls I previously dated, hooked-up with, or came across, who all of a sudden wanted to get together. With Valentine’s Day approaching, this may or may not have something to do with it. Let’s hope I’m not these girls’ Valentine’s Day nightmare

And for the singles without someone special to share Valentine’s Day with, remember this-

Cherishing someone who doesn’t cherish you back is taking time away from those that would jump at the opportunity.  Recognize that there are some people you will be more compatible with than others; but you can’t just hope they appear.  You need to put yourself out there and be excited to meet new people if you ever plan on meeting someone special.  It takes time, just realize your past doesn’t have to be your destiny.

YOU: “Hey do you like horses?”
GIRL: ”HUH? ummm yea i guess.”
YOU: “Hmm, I thought so. OK check this out, when I was in the 6th grade, there was this girl who loved horses. She used to run around the playground for an hour straight at lunchtime. She’d be galloping and making horse noises. We used to call her the weird horse girl.”
GIRL: “Yeah, so?”
YOU: “well…you look JUST LIKE HER!”
GIRL: “Hey!! (giggling and smiling) I’m not the weird horse girl!!!”
YOU: “OK that’s cool. If it was me I wouldn’t admit it either. Now I’m
not saying you’re definitely her, but just in case you are, I want to tell
you I’m sorry.”
GIRL: “Sorry for what?”
YOU: “Sorry for all the times I made fun of you. See, in school I was
always one of the cool kids. And I used to make fun of the horse girl.
Now I’m older and more mature, and I feel bad. So do you forgive
me?”
GIRL: “OK I forgive you.”

What’s worse than a long, silly, scripted story like ‘The Horse Girl Opener’ is that Brad P. claims in the headline of his marketing copy, “This is the Opener that Got Me Laid More Than Any Other Opener”; as if girls became attracted to him and got themselves wet because he crafted this panty-dropping routine.

What Brad P. (and much of the PUA community) doesn’t understand is that routines don’t create “attraction”. Attraction is NOT the words you use or even what you talk about; it’s the emotions evoked when interacting with a girl.

For example, I could tell a story about my Grandmother’s cookie recipe and if I communicated it with emotional intensity, it would generate attraction because emotions equal attraction. Better to focus on how a girl feels than to talk at her with routines hoping for the best.

Instead of an elaborate routine like ‘The Horsegirl Opener’, a man can simply say, “Hi. I’m [his name]. I wanted to meet you.” This shows confidence, which is obviously very attractive to women and gets them responding positively.

When men need routines, they’re using routines as a crutch to convey personality, appear interesting, and manipulate women into positive reactions.   And they are literally foregoing their own identity to assume someone else’s identity.  It’s inauthentic behavior that’s comes off as creepy, deceitful, and very unattractive.

Moreover, men shouldn’t have to lie and use routines because women are extremely good at determining whether a man brings value to the table or not. A man that hides behind a routine is conveying that he isn’t confident in himself, that he isn’t enough for a woman, and as such, and offers no real value.

this is the face of over-gaming a.k.a Ronald McDonald’ing

What routines do accomplish is turning the guys who use them into ‘over-gaming’ clowns around girls.  These guys use routines as a series of long scripted stories that trap girls into setting up for a silly punchline (see ‘The Horsegirl Opener’).  While the girls may appear to be  entertained and interested, these girls never see the clowns as sexual threats (in a good way).  It’s the reason girls flake on them and don’t take them seriously; or they end up in the dreaded friend-zone.

Women are looking for men with a specific set of attributes, so good ‘game’ means becoming the man that women desire. Such attributes might include demonstrating leadership, being comfortable in an environment, fitness, intellectual ability, wealth, social standing, strong sense of purpose, etc. It’s no coincidence that absolutely anyone who gets good at picking up women also excels in many other areas of their life. It’s the cause, not the effect.  Ultimately, this is what gets guys laid.

One of the biggest obstacles most men run into that stops them dead in their tracks (just about) from achieving the kind of results they want with women (read: more phone numbers, more dates, more and better lovers, and more and better girlfriends) is a total lack of any kind of practical planning going into their outings to meet women, and a total lack of date planning going into their meet ups with women who already like them and want to see them.

And it’s understandable; I know, I’ve been there. And I haven’t talked to him about it specifically, but I’m sure JT’s been there too… we all start out there.

What differentiates those of us who then go on to achieve the kinds of results we want with them, and those of us who never really do, is getting wise on planning.

I’m not going to talk about every kind of planning today – JT’s already posted an article from me in the past that discusses my philosophy of moving fast with girls - but rather focus on something more specific:

Date planning.

Or, in other words, how to take the haphazard, confusing, and sloppy dates that most men out there cobble together… and trade those in for the far newer model: sexy, streamlined dates that just WORK.

Let’s dive in.

What Most Guys’ Date Plans Look Like

How do you prepare for an upcoming date?

If you’re like most guys, there’s a lot of brain-racking that goes on… “How do I show her a good time?” you wonder. “How can I make sure THIS one is an UNFORGETTABLE experience?”

You strive and struggle to find the right answer. Coffees? Nah, too cliché. Ice skating? Yeah, but what if she can’t skate… Oh, I’ve got it! Laser tag! Now there’s a fun date! It’ll be just like we’re little kids again - everybodyloves laser tag! And when’s the last time she’ll have played that?

And these are all reasonably good ideas… for a normal date.

So, you get that normal date planned, pick up the girl, go do the fun activity, maybe grab some food after that, then drop her back off at her place.

Maybe you fish for a goodnight kiss.

And you think back and reflect, and you realize it was a great date! Except…

… except nothing happened.

And maybe you see her again. Or maybe you don’t.

And if you do see her again, you realize it has the decided feel of the beginnings of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. “How’d it end up this way?” you think. “I’m not even sure I WANT this girl as my girlfriend! I just wanted something casual!”

So, you decide not to see her again after that… after all, she wasn’t really your type. Or, she refused to meet you at your home and insisted on another proper date… and you just don’t want to put all that effort into a girl like this.

And you end up thinking to yourself:

• It’s pretty hard to just hook up with a girl
• Girls really all do just want serious relationships
• Maybe I’m just a guy girls want relationships with
• Girls only sleep with guys they’re serious about

Even if you wanted a relationship, you can’t help feeling like this dynamic leaves a little too much up to chance… it just feels like you’re hoping she likes you, and she enjoys the date, and that she’ll want to see you a second time, and a third, and that she’ll be willing to date you, be with you, and sleep with you.

You’re leaving it all up to her.

Probably you wonder sometimes if there’s a better way… but maybe this is just how it’s done.

It isn’t.

The Seducer on a Date

Have you ever seen The Saint, with Val Kilmer? It’s a movie from the late ’90s where Kilmer plays the role of an international thief who uses a variety of names, disguises, and passports to assume different personalities and personas. And in it, in the beginning, you see a couple of his seductions.

You’ll notice that the seductions Kilmer performs in the movie feel very genuine – they feel right. Everything happens as it should.

You’ll also notice there are no second dates. By the time Kilmer’s seeing a woman for the second time… they’re already lovers.

When I was first teaching myself how to do better with girls, this was my gold standard for seduction. When interacting with women in the movie, Kilmer was:

• Passionate
• Mysterious
• Exotic
• Intuitively right

Contrast that with most men on dates:

• Stilted
• Uninteresting
• The usual
• Clumsily wrong

I found though, that even as I improved as a seducer, I still struggled with date planning. I still ended up on these cobbled-together dates that were halfway decent, but still didn’t transition right.

When it came time to end the date, or get the girl home with me, or try and plant one on her, and perhaps move things to the next level, it didn’t feel natural.

Something was missing.

And it took me getting fed up with wasting my time on unproductive dates to figure out what it was.

The Last Straw

I met a girl one night at a nightclub whom I should’ve taken home. She clearly liked me a lot; and her friend was encouraging her to go home with me too. Heck, the friend liked me as much as she did… but at least she wasn’t competitive. But she kept demurring, and so we set up a date instead.

The date was in a part of town I wasn’t familiar with, and it was far from where I lived – about forty minutes away by subway. But I said no worries, this girl is cute, we’ll have fun.

On the day of, it turned out to be pretty cold, and pretty windy, and I found myself wondering why I was dragging myself halfway across town on such a frozen, awful day. But, the girl called me early to confirm that she was coming, and she also let me know her phone was running out of batteries, so just to wait for her. I was pretty sure I knew where we were meeting up, even though I hadn’t been there before, so I agreed.

Well, I got there, and I waited for her, but she never showed up. What was worse, her phone was dead when I tried calling her, so I couldn’t get through. I’d been 10 minutes late; I waited for another 30. I wasn’t sure if she’d beat me there but left before 10 minutes, or if she got stuck in traffic, or decided not to come, or…

So, I sent her a text saying, “Hey, can’t get through, assuming your phone is off. Not sure if we missed each other or I went to the wrong place or what, but it’s about 40 minutes after now and I’m going to head back. Catch you next time.”

And I went back to the subway, and rode back to my apartment, and finally arrived home a little more than two hours after first leaving, right smack in the middle of the day, a completely wasted Sunday afternoon.

“This is ludicrous,” I thought to myself. “I’m never going out of my way to meet a girl on a date ever again.”

A New Kind of Plan

Later that evening I received a phone call from that girl. She apologized profusely and said she’d been stuck in traffic; she said she arrived there maybe 15 minutes after I’d left.

She said she’d make it up to me.

I said sure, maybe next time you can cook me some food. I’d already decided that if I saw her again, she was going to come to me, not the other way around.

Two weeks later, she picked me up at the subway station close to my apartment in her car. She was supposed to drive us to go see some art at an outdoors gallery that day, and then maybe she’d cook me dinner later.

“It’s really cold today,” she said. “Too cold for that outdoor gallery. Maybe we can go another time.”

“Okay,” I said, surprised she wanted to change plans. “That’s fine with me.”

I didn’t make any suggestions because I wanted to see what she’d say. And she surprised me again.

“So, do you want to… go to your apartment, or… drive around… or… what do you want?”

I thought for a split-second, but didn’t need much deliberation. “Sure,” I said, “we can head back to my apartment.”

I gave her directions there, she parked outside, and ten minutes after we got into my place we were having sex on my couch.

Date Planning That Gets You Results

Later that night, I was sitting there alone, thinking how easy that’d been to myself. “Was that just a fluke?” I wondered. “Or could I do that all the time?”

I decided to test it out, and I started inviting girls to meet me at the subway station close to my apartment for our first date, and from there we’d go to a really cool café… that just happened to be right below my apartment.

And voila! It worked! The very next girl I had a date with – a conservative, shy, inexperienced girl who’d only ever been with one man before in her life – met me at the subway station, ate with me at the café, and followed me upstairs a few hours later to watch a movie… only we never watched that movie.

A couple weeks later, I repeated the performance with another girl.

In between, I tried some other date ideas, too – I met up with a few girls at restaurants farther from my place… but that didn’t work. And I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks, and I created so much desire in her on the date that she invited herself over to my apartment on her own (and we slept together, of course).

As I compared the dates I’d been on over that span of a few weeks, along with the dates I’d been on over the course of my career as a seducer, I realized the importance of one thing over everything else: date planning.

The dates I’d planned were the ones that ended with women undressed in my bed.

The ones I hadn’t were the ones that ended with me going home alone.

And of those girls, which do you think wanted to see me again? Right – all the ones I slept with.

None of the ones I didn’t.

And right now, I’d like to share with you the steps I followed then, and still follow today, that transform dating from an uncertain, unclear experience outside of your control, into a mind-bendingly clear and definite endeavor that’s almost wholly in your control.

1. All is logistics. Distance should be absolutely the first thing you think about on any date. For every half a mile (or one full kilometer) you have to travel to reach your home or seduction location from your date location, subtract 10% from your odds of taking a girl to bed. You’re 3 miles / 6 kilometers away? Minus 60% on your odds compared to if you were just downstairs.

The reason logistics play such a significant role in your ability to convert dates into lovers is because you want to spend as little time as possible in transition from one stage of a date to the next, because the transition points are where you most frequently lose girls. Cut your transition time, and you up your close rate.

1. Dates need to be about you getting to know her. Not having scads of fun, or being exciting, or terribly memorable. If you’ve seen those seductions in The Saint I mentioned earlier, you’ve seen that there too: everything was centered on getting to know the woman very deeply, very quickly. You can use a technique I call “deep diving” for this – essentially, finding out a lot about a woman in a hurry by asking pointed questions and exploring down to the motivation level every topic she brings up.

This precludes, of course, ice skating or laser tag, unless you’re adept at having meaningful conversations while moving very fast.

1. Your value must be understated. If you’re trying to impress her, show her a great time, or do anything other than just get to know her at a deep level, you’re showing yourself to be far more suited as a boyfriend than a lover. Even if you WANT to be her boyfriend, that’s bad. Why? Because she’ll have more respect for you in a relationship where you start out as a lover (lovers are more “powerful” than boyfriends), and you’ll get to sex faster as a lover, too – which means life has fewer opportunities to intervene in the meantime and prevent it ever happening.
2. Short dates trump long ones. You should be able to get enough of a good vibe going on in 2 hours in a café or bar that you can pull her upstairs (or nearby) to your place. If you can do it in 1 hour, or 30 minutes, great – do it. The shorter the better – the more time you allow, the more chances you give yourself to make a mistake, and the more chances you give life to step in and permanently interrupt the two of you from ever getting together.

Once you’re somewhere alone together, of course. you’ve got to do something!

What was helpful for me back when I was still a little gun-shy (e.g., nervous to kiss a girl I was alone in my place or somewhere else with) was to give myself a time limit: you must kiss her within 10 minutes of getting her into your place.

Why’s this important? Because if she’s there too long and nothing happens, it gets weird. She knows why she’s there. She expects something to happen. If it doesn’t, the anticipation builds up so much that it gets awkward… and by the time you go for it, it feels like you were just too nervous to do it earlier, and girls interpret nervousness as creepiness or awkwardness (that’s what that means when you get accused of it usually).

So, moving the date forward rapidly enough isn’t all you need to do – you need to kiss the girl fast too!

And once you’ve reached that point, you’ve just about wrapped it up.

So keep this in mind the next time you’re racking your brain to figure out where to take a girl on your next date: keep it simple. And keep it somewhere close to your home (or wherever you’ll take her to become lovers).

That’s how Val Kilmer would do it, anyway.

Yours,
Chase Amante

Chase Amante runs GirlsChase.com, a men’s dating advice company based in Southern California. He’s the creator of several training programs for men on dating, including Spellbinding: Get Her Talking, a video program that trains men how to have spellbinding conversations with women. He recommends checking out “How to Kiss a Girl Like No One’s Ever Kissed Her Before“ as a natural follow-up article to this one for you to check out on his site.

“You know, I knew I wanted to sleep together within five minutes of meeting you.”

Immediately my thoughts turned back to my initial approach, our playful banter, my smooth one-liners, heavy making-out, and the overall impeccable game I ran on her that night.

My ego wanted me to think I was the only party involved. As if I whisked into the brightly lit venue, a tornado of style, cologne and smoothness, slid up to this tall, sexy brunette, and delivered the most epic performance of my lifetime, resulting in a same-night-lay.

My ego was wrong.

I responded to her with something like this: “If you knew you wanted to sleep with me right away, why not just say so? We could have been back here an hour ago…”

Without skipping a beat, she shot back: “You know, I enjoy the game too…”

Although this may not serve as mind-blowing evidence towards a woman’s desire to be courted, complimented and eventually coddled, it brought up an interesting point.

Just play the game, don’t try and change the rules.

I may have wanted her to be direct with me. She may have wanted to be. But society has told her it’s wrong to sleep with a guy who’s not your boyfriend, fiancé, or husband. In her eyes, going home with a guy after five minutes may seem slutty, trashy, or desperate. She may have needed to get more comfortable with me, have another drink or two, or get to know me a little better. Who knows? More importantly, why try and change that? Whatever I did worked.

The point is, if you expect every situation with every girl you meet to go exactly how you want it to go, you’ll be setting yourself up for major disappointment.

Stop worrying about getting what you want from women right away, creating the perfect situation, or waiting for the ideal scenario on which to act. Just find out what she wants, and be man enough to give it to her.

Who would have thought that fives minutes after this North Philadelphia native and I rocked each other’s worlds, she would have provided me with a solid game tip?

This was especially interesting, because I’ve had friends say to me before- “Why don’t girls just approach us? If they want to be talked to, they should just come up and say something.”

Maybe that might make things easier in some situations, but my response is always the same.

“Are you looking to change the way things are done, or do you want hot women in your life?”

There’s a set structure to follow, and certain things girls will respond to.

The rules are already set. Just play the game.

Rewind to a few hours before. I approached her group of friends, interrupted girls’ night, pulled her to the side, and told her I had to meet her. I could have waited until she was alone, waited until she hit the bathroom, waited for my ideal scenario to approach. But what I did has worked in my favor before. Why change the rules now?

And yes, she could have told me to take her home within five minutes. To toss myself a pickup-related softball, would that have made things easier? Faster? More convenient? Sure. But what she did has worked in her favor before. Why change the rules now?

Opportunity won’t wait for you to change the rules, to create your own structure, or to manipulate what is already given. Thinking on a broader scale, maybe your dream is to work for X Company, and you run into X Company’s CEO on the street one day (unlikely, but bear with me). Don’t be that guy who fails to take action because he wants to change the rules first i.e. “if I were dressed better, had my resume with me, or shaved this morning I would definitely go talk to him…”

If you see a girl you want to talk to, in what seems like an impossible-to-approach situation, do it anyway. Trying to change the rules will downplay your confidence, destroy your creativity, and dampen your boldness.

If I had tried to change the rules that night, I would have missed out on a fun night, and a great experience. Eventually patterns will emerge, things will get a little easier, and sooner or later when you think you want to change the rules again, you won’t.

It’s just too much fun to play the game.

Guest Post by regular reader, Adam W., 25 years-old from Delaware.

The motivation to cheat is really about her and her wants.

She wants to feel sexy and attractive; and she wants a sexy and attractive man to make her feel that way.

She also wants her physical and emotional needs met; and to not still feel bored after.

This post isn’t intended to scare men into believing all women are cheaters. It is intended to make men aware of how their actions may or may not be affecting the women they’re romantically involved with. Why women cheat will depend on their feelings, commitment, and investment in their partner; as well as the risk involved in getting caught cheating.

Although I’m not proud of myself for being the type of person women find themselves cheating on their partners with, I’ll offer my perspective on the top reasons why women cheat.

Why Women Cheat

She Is Bored

She doesn’t feel her relationship is exciting anymore. Everyday life is mundane, repetitive, and this becomes something she resents (albeit comfortably). When she’s approached by a smooth-talking jerk, she’ll choose jerk over boredom.  Having an affair is her response to feeling trapped in a boring relationship.

She Is Scorned

She’s been cheated on and feels humiliated. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” because she is fearless about the consequences of her payback revenge affair.

She Is Sexually Frustrated

Women love sex. When there isn’t enough sex in the relationship or the sex is boring/bland, a woman will fantasize about sewing her wild oats again. The reason romantic novels and books like 50 Shades are Grey are so popular is because women pine for acting on their sexual desires and unleashing their inner-slut (without judgement, of course). This fantasy turnsover into reality if an indiscreet sexual affair is arranged that could alleviate her sexual frustrations.

She Has Low Self-Esteem

She isn’t secure enough about herself and how her partner feels about her. She constantly needs attention and being told she’s sexy, beautiful, and loved to boost her self-esteem and reinforce the idea that she is desired.

She Is Lonely

She doesn’t see enough of her partner, so she feels neglected, ignored, or unappreciated. Her desire for intimacy- to be touch, kissed, manhandled is a desperate plea for attention and to fill the lonely void of an emotional connection.

She Wants More

She isn’t happy, and her unhappiness is a cue that something is missing in her life. The unfulfillment she feels causes her mind and heart to wander, looking for incentives to end her current relationship and pursue a new relationship with someone she perceives to be more powerful, more intriguing, or more attractive to her; someone she rightfully designates to be her “soul-mate” because he makes her “happy”…at least for now.

She Is An Emotions Addict

Her libido is raging and she has an inability control her urges (and close her legs). The revving up of her sex-drive is an addicting emotional thrill she pursues over and over again. Sometimes she’s looking to get caught just so she can experience the potential emotional fallout of her reckless behavior.

She Wants To Re-live Her Youth

She is a sexy older woman that just wants to feel sexy again. She remembers a time in her life when there was a rush of men that romantically courted and pursued her; she misses that time of her life and she just wants to feel that she’s “still got it”.

She Has A History Of Cheating

Once a woman cheats, she’s likely to cheat again. She values a carousel adventure of men over monogamous relationships, jumping from man to man not knowing what she wants; but she knows she doesn’t want monogamy and she doesn’t care.

When using a direct approach you make it clear to the girl that you’re talking to her because you found her attractive. Perhaps you walk straight up to her, stick out your hand and say, “Hello. I’m Alex. How is your night going so far?” or something witty like, “I’m not going to lie, I walked over here because you are way better looking than the guys I came with.”

There’s absolutely no beating around the bush with a direct approach. It’s the ‘grown-ass man’ way to talk to a girl because you will almost immediately find out if she sees you as potential. The only drawback is that she could quickly dead you if she doesn’t. When you’re approaching a girl during the daytime, maybe in a department store or coffee shop, the direct approach could be your only option because you might not have the time to hang around and wait for a different opportunity.

The indirect approach is when you casually initiate an interaction with a girl, coming across as if you wanted to strike a conversation just for sake of it with no further intentions. Of course that’s bullshit, we always have an ulterior motive–we’re thinking with our dicks half the time. The most common example of an indirect approach is asking a girl for her opinion on something: “Is that drink good, it looks pretty crazy?” or “Is this place always this crowded or did I just come on a good night?” Another example would be overhearing a conversation and then jumping in with your own opinion.

The advantage to the indirect approach is that there is no real chance for rejection as you’re just starting a casual conversation. It’s great for those guys that are terrified at cold-approaching and get all shook up and shit before walking up to a girl. The disadvantage is that is really doesn’t give you a chance to make an impression on the girl and you’re going to have to hope the conversation continues and you have more opportunities to do so later on.

Speaking of impressions, the last way of approaching is what I like to call the homerun swing. It’s basically the direct approach on steroids. It’s when you want to make an immediate impression on a chick in attempt to sweep her right off of her feet. For instance, when I see a girl strolling passed me with two drinks in her hand I’ll take a homerun swing and say, “Oh my God you got me a drink and you don’t even know me! When I first saw you I was like wow she’s pretty, but now I think you’re absolutely awesome!” The second she laughs I stick out my hand and introduce myself. And then I take my homerun trot around the bases because when you successfully pull off one of these expert openers, in all likelihood you can coast to a great night.

Guest Post by Alex Anthony of DatingIsTooEasy.com

So who we looking at?
Who’s this? Jeremy Lin
Who does he play for: The Houston Rockets
Position: Point Guard
Sport: National Basketball Association (NBA)

LINSANITY

Jeremy Lin: Slam Dunk On Your Culture For The Win

So why look at him?
You can’t have helped but noticed the large volume of press columns that have been devoted to the recent signing made by the Houston Rockets of one Jeremy Lin. For those of you, who somehow have managed to avoid the hysteria that this signing has brought, let me explain. Lin is on of the few Asian men to ever play in the NBA. His breakout season was so well received; the hysteria of his fan base earned its own nickname…LINSANITY!

However, leaving basketball aside, I believe that Lin has done something far greater than simply being a great Point Guard in the NBA; Lin has transcended Cultural barriers and broken the stereotypes of what Asian men can do.

Lin is a great example of someone who seems unaware of what is typically expected of an Asian male to do with their lives. Instead of falling into line and working towards a career in the typical ‘Asian’ job markets, Lin has decided to flick the middle finger to that and instead has decided to chase his dreams…and even better he is now living them!

It is accepted in Chinese families that the males move towards their academic studies and aim to achieve high paying, intellectual jobs. Few, if any, ever go on to become sports stars. Unfortunately, most are held back by the tradition of getting a high paid job to support their parents in their retirement. Lin did the opposite, with his parents blessing. That is why I believe he is a great choice to look at.

Why should I care about watching Jeremy Lin?
In our everyday lives, we are controlled by external forces. These forces can have an effect on how you live your life, the jobs you work, the people you date, what you spend money on etc. Some examples of these forces include advertisements, what we see on TV, the current ’5-minutes-of-fame’ celebrity trend and so on. However, the strongest of these pulls, can be the influence of our family and its associated heritage. In ethnic minorities, this pull is considerably stronger as more traditional cultural values come into play; beliefs such as family honour, play a big role.

What makes Lin a great person to look at is the fact that Lin has ignored what ‘is expected’ of him and instead pursued and achieved his ultimate goal, playing in the NBA. Stop and think just now. It was expected of Lin to attend University and then move into a intellectual job. Asian men just don’t become sports stars – or so modern day clichés would make you believe. Lin had to fight stereotypes and all, but still raised to the top of his game regardless. Can you imagine what you are capable of doing if you can forget what your culture tells you are only capable of doing? The pull of your family is considerably strong. These are the people who have raised you, shaped your life and kept you safe. It can be a daunting thing to stand up and say no to how they want you to live your life; but we are only truly free by challenging ourselves and controlling what happens in our lives.

Regardless of our own race, creed or family setup, we can all do anything in this world. We are all human after all. There is no set structure that you must follow or no privileges’ set aside for people of a particular colour or heritage. Sure, some people have better choices in their life as they have access to money or social standing, but anything they have is still accessible to everyone else. We just need to try harder to get our share of the prize. Just because you are born into a particular sub-clan of the human race, it does not mean that you are only able to do what that sub-clan typically does. That’s the beauty of living in today’s world – there is opportunity to do anything you want, regardless of who you are. You just need to seize that chance.

You probably aren’t aware of the various forces that are currently in play in your life. You may feel that certain things are just ‘not for you’. Certain types of work will just feel normal or will be shot down by your parents. You will notice that friends and family will only work at certain jobs and date certain type of people. If you stay too long in this mindset, you will start to live life following this game plan.

The thing is, cultural values are pulling you into how you live your life. They are always with us and working against you to control what you do in your life. We all may have seen films where the main character opposes his parents wishes, ignore the outrage of his local community and achieves his dreams at the end, however sadly few young men today ever do this.

It is possible for us to become like Lin; someone who took control of his own destiny but to do so, we need to stop listening to the external pressures and live life on our own terms. How do we do that? We take out the strongest force and watch the power of the others fall away to nothing.

OK, what should I be looking out for?
• Lin forgets he’s Asian. Lin is most likely aware of that fact that he is one of the few Asian men to play in the NBA, but Lin doesn’t seem to care. He simply gets on with what he needs to do, namely train and play! Lin leaves it to others to care about his ethnicity and how it doesn’t normally happen in the NBA. Lin is mature enough to realise that he has achieved his dream but that he also ‘stands out’ he needs to work harder as all eyes will be on him. Lin works on his game as much as possible, looking to build on his strengths and lessen his weaknesses. A great takeaway lessions here; let others care what you’re doing and look like, you simply concentrate on doing it to the best of your abilities.

• He works his ass off. Lin doesn’t play up to the attention or get big headed by the media hysteria (which a lot of so called greats have ended up like); he just turns up and works his ass off to succeed. Yeah, I know, similar to the above but it needs saying twice. Lin stopped caring about the fuss he caused. You shouldn’t either. Let other people worry about nonsensical shit like that. Decide what you want and go for it.

• He followed his dreams but still had a back up plan. Lin spent most of his spare time growing up, playing basketball and honing his skills. His parents allowed him to play the game he loved (against what his community felt was right) and he dreamed of playing professionally in the NBA. However, Lin isn’t stupid. He knew that the chances of making it professional were slim, especially given his ethnicity and the amount of similar players who’ve made it. So he created a backup plan. Whilst at Harvard, he majored at Economics to have a fall back should his sporting dreams not take off.

• He has a strong network. Lin had very supportive parents. He has a good relationship with his team-mates (well he did!). He was a member of a Bible group at University and even today, he is an active member in his Church. Lin surrounds himself with people who look out for him and are there to support him when he needs it.

• Uses pain to succeed. Sadly, Lin faced a lot of racism and people who tried to put him down as he played up the ranks (unfortunately a small minority tarnish this on Facebook it seems). However, if you listen to his very articulate and intellectual interviews on Youtube etc, you learn how he uses this pain as motivation to succeed. Lin’s desire to succeed was stronger than the hatred that was shown towards him. That is why having a goal that inspires and motivates you is such a necessity. People will always try to bring down those who go against the mainstream beliefs and ‘rules’ set in society. Some people are too scared to leave their comfort zones so will try and stop you changing, like Lin dealt with. Some people are stupid and will judge you on the colour of your skin (sadly). Find that mission for your life where stupid shit like that doesn’t touch you on your way to success!

OK, pretty cool but how do I become like him?
• Decide what you want in life … not what others want for you. Chinese men typically follow academic paths and become doctors or lawyers, they are the cliché careers as it is what their parents want for them. However, no one else can or should live your life for you. At the end of the day, when you are lying in your death bed, it will be up to you, alone, to look back over your life and decide if you led a life worth living or not. Do you really want to look back in regret for not following your dreams or would you rather look back and think ‘what a time I had!’? Not really a hard question is it! Decide what you want in your life. You alone. Decide what would make you happy and what you consider success in life and go for it. Stop leaving your life direction to others. Pick a goal that will get you out of bed and excited about life. Forget what others may think. Ignore your family objections. Decide on a path that you want in life and work your ass off to achieve it.

• Always have a Backup plan but chase your dreams first. Your life choice should get you out of bed every morning desperate to start the day…however, it shouldn’t be the only plan you have in life. Lin spent as much time on the court as he could but he still planned a backup escape plan if his basketball career never took off. His qualification from Harvard meant he could fall back on that and use it or a career. You need to have something to fall back on in case you don’t quite reach your main goal. ‘Burning bridges’ to achieve what you want is OK but no matter how convinced of your success you are, you should always have a secondary plan to put into action if at first you don’t succeed. Qualifications and work experience is never a wasted experience even if you never need to use them!

• Suck it up! Lin wasn’t picked by teams at a few points in his life, and he played sparingly at some teams. He even got sent to the lower leagues a lot, but he didn’t quit; he sucked it up, worked hard and got on with it til he got called up to the big time. Lin used this time to build his mental toughness to succeed and work on the small parts of his abilities that were maybe holding him back. Sadly, a lot of people would have walked away after a few failures. Too many people give up too soon. Talking from personal experience, I know how difficult it can be to write a blog when you’re not seeing interest from your readers. Can you imagine how difficult it is with the global audience that basketball draws? Use Lin as an inspiration to continue on even when things are hard and the future looks bleak. Those are the sort of times when you learn your true character and you can find what you have been put on this earth to do. For Lin, it was to play basketball and inspire young men to do what they want. What are you truly here to do?

• Talk to your parents…still do it anyway. Lin had the support of his parents but you may not. For some people, their children’s new direction in life may be too much of a radical new direction for them to accept. I’d advise speaking to your family and friends about what you want from your life and what you plan to do to get there. Notice I said ‘speak to’ not ‘ask for permission’. I would advise simply telling them what you plan to do and hope they are OK with it. Then do it regardless. I lost some friends by stopping going to the pub every weekend to work on my website. Some people can’t accept it when you change your life and pursue dreams. However, you will meet new friends and people who are into similar things. It can be a tough road to start on but you always find companions who’ll help you travel the road to success.

• Find your network. You need to decide what you want in life and go for it. However you do it though, it will be a challenge. What can help though is for you to establish a strong support network like Lin has. Find people that will assist you on your journey. For example, friends, family, coaches, support organisations are all good places to start. Look for people who always support rather than bring you down and for those who are on the level that you wish to be. As the old saying goes ‘if you’re the best in the room, you’re in the wrong room’! Your support network should support, inspire and help you achieve your goals … and be there to help you start again if you fail. Cut out the negative people in your life and go for what you want.

So if he can do that, what is stopping you from taking on your culture 1 on 1, driving hard to the basket and dunking over the supposed culture values holding you back?

So what are your thoughts?
Does Jeremy Lin inspire you to ignore your own ethnicity and its supposed restrictions and instead strive to achieve what you want out of life? Let me know what you think in the comments below.

The only problem is how do you just be confident? Well, that is where I come in. Today I’m going to share with you 7 ways that will help you feel instant confidence. When you implement the things I share with you, you will develop the type of confidence that will make women stop dead in their tracks when they see you.

Lets begin:

7 Ways To Feel Instantly Confident

1. Workout-

If you are scrawny, or are a couple pounds overweight then going to the gym will work wonders for your self-confidence. I’m a fairly thin guy, and when I started going to the gym on a consistent basis I experienced the benefits of working out. After each work out I felt stronger, and more powerful.

I felt like I could take on any challenge that was thrown my way. Whenever I walked down the street I would catch women checking me out. Start going to the gym; let go of any excuses you may have. If you don’t want to go to the gym then just do push ups at home.

2. Dress better-

I can’t think of a faster way to instantly feel more confident than to dress better. Have you ever had a job interview and were dressed professional? How did it make you feel? If you are anything like me, then you felt like you were the boss. You felt like you were already successful.

Here are some quick fashion tips:
• Wear fitted clothes
• Iron your clothes
• Learn how to match colors
• Get a nice watch
• Get some dark washed jeans

3. Negative chatter-

You are your own worst enemy. All of that negative self-talk that goes on inside your head isn’t helping you. The only thing it’s doing is creating anxiety, doubt, and killing your confidence. The key to controlling the negative chatter in your mind is awareness. Anytime you find yourself thinking something negative like “Beautiful women won’t ever find me attractive”, rephrase the sentence into I am the kind of man beautiful women want. It might be hard for you to believe at first but as you keep doing it you will soon start to believe it.

4. Posture-

Have you noticed the kind of posture you have when you aren’t feeling confident? Usually your head is low, you’re slouching, and you take shallow breaths. The easiest way to have confident body language is to keep your shoulders back; head high, and feet shoulder width apart. When you change you roll your shoulders back, and keep your head held high, there is no way you won’t feel confident. A bonus tip is to take deep breaths. Deep breaths work because they help keep your body relaxed.

5. Face your fear-

Over the past few years I have developed consistent confidence because of all my fears that I have faced. I could remember how nervous I would get when I wanted to approach a hot woman. My heart would start racing, my palms would get sweaty, and my body would start shaking. I literally felt like running away. One day I just decided to go for it, I started a conversation with a hot woman on the street. The conversation was plain, but I took action even though I felt fear and that made me feel confident.

6. Be prepared-

Back when I was in college, I was taking a leadership course. Every week during that course we had an exam, and every week, I studied hard for each exam up until the final. I didn’t study for the final because I thought I knew all the material. Boy was that a huge mistake. I got a C on that final exam. The moral of this story is to be prepared. Whenever I studied for my exams I would feel confident that I was going to pass them, but that day before the final exam I felt nervous and unsure. So when you call a woman, be prepared, know what you are going to call her for, when you go out on a date, be prepared, plan out exactly how the date is going to go.

7. Speak up- 

Speaking in a low and timid voice, is only going to make you feel shy. When you’re feeling shy you won’t be feeling confident. So speak up. Speak from the bottom of your stomach. At my old job, I never spoke up which is why I felt shy and unconfident. When I started taking the initiative to speak up, I felt powerful. I felt like what I had to say mattered.

If you’re tired of feeling unconfident and would like to attract women, you can start by using some of the tips I just gave you above. Remember success with women happens in real life not in your head. So don’t imagine yourself using these tips, actually go out and use them in real life.

Guest Post by Luis Reyes of howtobethemanwomenwant.com. Luis is a dating coach helping men discover their masculinity and get a girlfriend.

The tall lean blonde stands in the corner of the noisy bar, sipping her cosmopolitan anxiously waiting for the tall and handsome white man, rugged with his stubble and fit as can be to approach her. While the woman waits in silence, I walk up to the lean blonde and tell her how gorgeous she is, and that I had to come over and ask for her name.

She reciprocates the scintillating conversation to me. We speak of high class, interesting activities from our personal hobbies, career, and past adventures traveling to unknown and mysterious lands. She smiles, laughs, flirts, kisses, enjoys the warmth of my company and we leave hand in hand to watch a movie with a glass of wine at my apartment as she tells me, “You are the most interesting Asian man I have ever met.” Her paradigm shifts, reality shattered, whatever stereotypes she had believed in have been changed.

The tall and handsome white man didn’t even stand a chance.

Dating as an Asian-American has always been a unique experience. While mass media has unfortunately portrayed me as a small dick, sexually awkward, nerdy person, I don’t let that stop me from picking up the women I see. Feel no pity for me, as I genuinely feel that being a sexually active and dominant Asian male gives me a leading edge over others the competitive dating arena.

“The only way to break a stereotype is to not believe in it” – JT Tran aka “The Asian Playboy.”

One of my closest friends, colleagues, and mentor for life said this little quote about dating as an Asian American. We’ve had our plenty share of adventures being the only Asian guys in a night club or a bar and seen making out and kissing various women of different colors. It was never always like this though. We went through our times of being racially slurred and cock blocked by even our own friends. “Wait, you’re asking for my number? But you’re Asian!” “Go away! Asians have small dicks!” “Get lost. We don’t talk to Asian guys.”

But of course, the positive experiences dating as an Asian-American completely obliterate and outweigh the negative experiences. What’s the best part? It’s shattering peoples’ realities. I’ve had many women say to me, “you are the most interesting Asian guy I’ve ever met,” or “I’ve never been hit on by an Asian guy,” and “You’re just friendly, fun, and you make me feel at home. I thought Asians didn’t date outside their race…”

Asian men are not seen as sexual creatures. It is an unfortunate perspective many women have of us, but due to cultural customs and beliefs, Asian men tend to be soft spoken, quiet, reserved, and don’t necessarily break out of their shell when it comes to socializing. When I am out meeting women and socializing with my friends, I don’t necessarily come “under the radar”; but shattering the realities of others by commanding presence, being dominant, and giving off the vibe of fun, cool, and interesting is how I have turned many women of all races to think differently of Asian men.

My personal secret weapon is that because I am not seen as a sexual creature from right off the bat, it makes it easy to approach women, chat them up, and immediately be sexual with them. I am seen as non-threatening and don’t exactly come off as “hitting” on the girl if I don’t display some sort of interest from right off the bat. When I immediately say something along the lines of, “you’re gorgeous, I had to come and say hello, “or “That dress looks absolutely stunning. Are you in the fashion industry?” She knows I’m interested in her, and it immediately creates a vibe of mystique and intrigue. Her mind is thinking, “This non-threatening looking guy is hitting on me. I wonder where it’s going to go…” The level of confidence shown is off the scales.

When dating as an Asian-American, persistence is key. The process of consistently improving one’s social lifestyle is an absolute must. We’re seen as quiet and soft-spoken, but we have the power in our hands today to change this perception and shatter the reality of not just the beautiful women we meet, but our co-workers, friends, family, and society itself.

In short, the positives of dating as an Asian American is the ease of approach, the power to be sexual immediately, and easily shift paradigms of women. While the negatives mainly stray on stereotypes and asexuality, this is easily conquered by simply not believing in them, and staying persistent to improve oneself. Being an Asian male, I can quickly change minds and alter perceptions with charm, wit, and some sexuality. When I’m out on the prowl, it is a process of pure excitement and exhilaration as I can approach, converse, and seduce women, while changing their perception of my race.

Ben is a 23 year old professional pick up artist living in Los Angeles, California. He has been studying the arts of seduction for merely 2 years and has taught many different workshops with Asian Playboy and the ABCs of Attraction. Ben is currently dating a Hollywood television star and in his off time, he enjoys SCUBA diving, saving the ocean environment, and skydiving.

Understand that breaking-up with girls may or may not go smoothly.

Each girl will rationalize their relationship with you based on several things; some of these things you have no control over, and some may not involve you at all.

For example, her history & relationships with past boyfriends, her social group, her upbringing, as well as her overall feelings about romantic relationships will all factor into how she’ll emotionally react after breaking-up.

You’re dealing with a woman and her emotions, so you don’t know what will happen.

Breaking-Up With Girls

With casual relationships (hookups, fuck-buddies, friends-with-benefits), there’s little emotional investment from the girl. For these relationships, breaking-up doesn’t need to be verbally addressed because it’s already understood that the lack of texts, calling, and setting up plans means you’re no longer interested to see her. Unless you made promises to her you never intended to keep, the relationship will typically absolve on its own, with her already knowing there wasn’t an expectation for the relationship to advance anyway.

However, if you’re no longer interested to be seeing a girl and she’s under a different impression, then you should let her know that you’re not looking to pursue a serious relationship at the moment and that its best the two of you no longer see each other. Keep in mind, the longer you wait to do this, the more complicated and awkward the relationship becomes for the both of you.

If you’d still like to keep her around though, then keep the meet-ups between the two of you strictly at your place or hers. Suggest “hanging out”, but don’t take her out on a “date”. Avoid any romantic gestures or hints that might lead her into thinking the relationship is more serious than it actually is.

With serious long-term-relationships (LTR), girls will get hurt when you deliver the break-up news. Rather than delay the inevitable hurt, be direct and sincere. Also, be supportive by encouraging her and letting her know that although things didn’t work out between the two of you, she’ll eventually meet someone she’s more compatible with who will make her happy.

Breaking-up with girls can be tough because you’re dealing with a woman and her emotions, and you don’t know what you’re going to get.

Some girls will be disappointed, but will understand and eventually move on with their life. Other girls may hysterically cry, call you names, question your manhood and integrity, and believe you’re absolute scum. The break-up is something she will have to process entirely on her own, so keep your cool and remain calm.

Also, don’t let a girl convince you into getting back together! Remember that there’s a reason you’re breaking-up with her. Stick with your decision, no matter how difficult.

Whether you’re no longer interested and excited to see her anymore, or you’re certain the two of you aren’t compatible and have no future together, or you’re not looking for the same level of commitment in the relationship that she is, or you’re just unhappy…

Ultimately, breaking-up with girls is a decision you must make for yourself.