Date Planning for Guys Who Want RESULTS with Women
This is a guest post by Chase Amante, founder of pickup and date training company Girls Chase.
One of the biggest obstacles most men run into that stops them dead in their tracks (just about) from achieving the kind of results they want with women (read: more phone numbers, more dates, more and better lovers, and more and better girlfriends) is a total lack of any kind of practical planning going into their outings to meet women, and a total lack of date planning going into their meet ups with women who already like them and want to see them.
And it’s understandable; I know, I’ve been there. And I haven’t talked to him about it specifically, but I’m sure JT’s been there too… we all start out there.
What differentiates those of us who then go on to achieve the kinds of results we want with them, and those of us who never really do, is getting wise on planning.
I’m not going to talk about every kind of planning today – JT’s already posted an article from me in the past that discusses my philosophy of moving fast with girls - but rather focus on something more specific:
Or, in other words, how to take the haphazard, confusing, and sloppy dates that most men out there cobble together… and trade those in for the far newer model: sexy, streamlined dates that just WORK.
Let’s dive in.
What Most Guys’ Date Plans Look Like
How do you prepare for an upcoming date?
If you’re like most guys, there’s a lot of brain-racking that goes on… “How do I show her a good time?” you wonder. “How can I make sure THIS one is an UNFORGETTABLE experience?”
You strive and struggle to find the right answer. Coffees? Nah, too cliché. Ice skating? Yeah, but what if she can’t skate… Oh, I’ve got it! Laser tag! Now there’s a fun date! It’ll be just like we’re little kids again - everybodyloves laser tag! And when’s the last time she’ll have played that?
And these are all reasonably good ideas… for a normal date.
So, you get that normal date planned, pick up the girl, go do the fun activity, maybe grab some food after that, then drop her back off at her place.
Maybe you fish for a goodnight kiss.
And you think back and reflect, and you realize it was a great date! Except…
… except nothing happened.
And maybe you see her again. Or maybe you don’t.
And if you do see her again, you realize it has the decided feel of the beginnings of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. “How’d it end up this way?” you think. “I’m not even sure I WANT this girl as my girlfriend! I just wanted something casual!”
So, you decide not to see her again after that… after all, she wasn’t really your type. Or, she refused to meet you at your home and insisted on another proper date… and you just don’t want to put all that effort into a girl like this.
And you end up thinking to yourself:
- It’s pretty hard to just hook up with a girl
- Girls really all do just want serious relationships
- Maybe I’m just a guy girls want relationships with
- Girls only sleep with guys they’re serious about
Even if you wanted a relationship, you can’t help feeling like this dynamic leaves a little too much up to chance… it just feels like you’re hoping she likes you, and she enjoys the date, and that she’ll want to see you a second time, and a third, and that she’ll be willing to date you, be with you, and sleep with you.
You’re leaving it all up to her.
Probably you wonder sometimes if there’s a better way… but maybe this is just how it’s done.
The Seducer on a Date
Have you ever seen The Saint, with Val Kilmer? It’s a movie from the late ’90s where Kilmer plays the role of an international thief who uses a variety of names, disguises, and passports to assume different personalities and personas. And in it, in the beginning, you see a couple of his seductions.
You’ll notice that the seductions Kilmer performs in the movie feel very genuine – they feel right. Everything happens as it should.
You’ll also notice there are no second dates. By the time Kilmer’s seeing a woman for the second time… they’re already lovers.
When I was first teaching myself how to do better with girls, this was my gold standard for seduction. When interacting with women in the movie, Kilmer was:
- Intuitively right
Contrast that with most men on dates:
- The usual
- Clumsily wrong
I found though, that even as I improved as a seducer, I still struggled with date planning. I still ended up on these cobbled-together dates that were halfway decent, but still didn’t transition right.
When it came time to end the date, or get the girl home with me, or try and plant one on her, and perhaps move things to the next level, it didn’t feel natural.
Something was missing.
And it took me getting fed up with wasting my time on unproductive dates to figure out what it was.
The Last Straw
I met a girl one night at a nightclub whom I should’ve taken home. She clearly liked me a lot; and her friend was encouraging her to go home with me too. Heck, the friend liked me as much as she did… but at least she wasn’t competitive. But she kept demurring, and so we set up a date instead.
The date was in a part of town I wasn’t familiar with, and it was far from where I lived – about forty minutes away by subway. But I said no worries, this girl is cute, we’ll have fun.
On the day of, it turned out to be pretty cold, and pretty windy, and I found myself wondering why I was dragging myself halfway across town on such a frozen, awful day. But, the girl called me early to confirm that she was coming, and she also let me know her phone was running out of batteries, so just to wait for her. I was pretty sure I knew where we were meeting up, even though I hadn’t been there before, so I agreed.
Well, I got there, and I waited for her, but she never showed up. What was worse, her phone was dead when I tried calling her, so I couldn’t get through. I’d been 10 minutes late; I waited for another 30. I wasn’t sure if she’d beat me there but left before 10 minutes, or if she got stuck in traffic, or decided not to come, or…
So, I sent her a text saying, “Hey, can’t get through, assuming your phone is off. Not sure if we missed each other or I went to the wrong place or what, but it’s about 40 minutes after now and I’m going to head back. Catch you next time.”
And I went back to the subway, and rode back to my apartment, and finally arrived home a little more than two hours after first leaving, right smack in the middle of the day, a completely wasted Sunday afternoon.
“This is ludicrous,” I thought to myself. “I’m never going out of my way to meet a girl on a date ever again.”
A New Kind of Plan
Later that evening I received a phone call from that girl. She apologized profusely and said she’d been stuck in traffic; she said she arrived there maybe 15 minutes after I’d left.
She said she’d make it up to me.
I said sure, maybe next time you can cook me some food. I’d already decided that if I saw her again, she was going to come to me, not the other way around.
Two weeks later, she picked me up at the subway station close to my apartment in her car. She was supposed to drive us to go see some art at an outdoors gallery that day, and then maybe she’d cook me dinner later.
“It’s really cold today,” she said. “Too cold for that outdoor gallery. Maybe we can go another time.”
“Okay,” I said, surprised she wanted to change plans. “That’s fine with me.”
I didn’t make any suggestions because I wanted to see what she’d say. And she surprised me again.
“So, do you want to… go to your apartment, or… drive around… or… what do you want?”
I thought for a split-second, but didn’t need much deliberation. “Sure,” I said, “we can head back to my apartment.”
I gave her directions there, she parked outside, and ten minutes after we got into my place we were having sex on my couch.
Date Planning That Gets You Results
Later that night, I was sitting there alone, thinking how easy that’d been to myself. “Was that just a fluke?” I wondered. “Or could I do that all the time?”
I decided to test it out, and I started inviting girls to meet me at the subway station close to my apartment for our first date, and from there we’d go to a really cool café… that just happened to be right below my apartment.
And voila! It worked! The very next girl I had a date with – a conservative, shy, inexperienced girl who’d only ever been with one man before in her life – met me at the subway station, ate with me at the café, and followed me upstairs a few hours later to watch a movie… only we never watched that movie.
A couple weeks later, I repeated the performance with another girl.
In between, I tried some other date ideas, too – I met up with a few girls at restaurants farther from my place… but that didn’t work. And I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks, and I created so much desire in her on the date that she invited herself over to my apartment on her own (and we slept together, of course).
As I compared the dates I’d been on over that span of a few weeks, along with the dates I’d been on over the course of my career as a seducer, I realized the importance of one thing over everything else: date planning.
The dates I’d planned were the ones that ended with women undressed in my bed.
The ones I hadn’t were the ones that ended with me going home alone.
And of those girls, which do you think wanted to see me again? Right – all the ones I slept with.
None of the ones I didn’t.
And right now, I’d like to share with you the steps I followed then, and still follow today, that transform dating from an uncertain, unclear experience outside of your control, into a mind-bendingly clear and definite endeavor that’s almost wholly in your control.
- All is logistics. Distance should be absolutely the first thing you think about on any date. For every half a mile (or one full kilometer) you have to travel to reach your home or seduction location from your date location, subtract 10% from your odds of taking a girl to bed. You’re 3 miles / 6 kilometers away? Minus 60% on your odds compared to if you were just downstairs.
The reason logistics play such a significant role in your ability to convert dates into lovers is because you want to spend as little time as possible in transition from one stage of a date to the next, because the transition points are where you most frequently lose girls. Cut your transition time, and you up your close rate.
- Dates need to be about you getting to know her. Not having scads of fun, or being exciting, or terribly memorable. If you’ve seen those seductions in The Saint I mentioned earlier, you’ve seen that there too: everything was centered on getting to know the woman very deeply, very quickly. You can use a technique I call “deep diving” for this – essentially, finding out a lot about a woman in a hurry by asking pointed questions and exploring down to the motivation level every topic she brings up.
This precludes, of course, ice skating or laser tag, unless you’re adept at having meaningful conversations while moving very fast.
- Your value must be understated. If you’re trying to impress her, show her a great time, or do anything other than just get to know her at a deep level, you’re showing yourself to be far more suited as a boyfriend than a lover. Even if you WANT to be her boyfriend, that’s bad. Why? Because she’ll have more respect for you in a relationship where you start out as a lover (lovers are more “powerful” than boyfriends), and you’ll get to sex faster as a lover, too – which means life has fewer opportunities to intervene in the meantime and prevent it ever happening.
- Short dates trump long ones. You should be able to get enough of a good vibe going on in 2 hours in a café or bar that you can pull her upstairs (or nearby) to your place. If you can do it in 1 hour, or 30 minutes, great – do it. The shorter the better – the more time you allow, the more chances you give yourself to make a mistake, and the more chances you give life to step in and permanently interrupt the two of you from ever getting together.
Once you’re somewhere alone together, of course. you’ve got to do something!
What was helpful for me back when I was still a little gun-shy (e.g., nervous to kiss a girl I was alone in my place or somewhere else with) was to give myself a time limit: you must kiss her within 10 minutes of getting her into your place.
Why’s this important? Because if she’s there too long and nothing happens, it gets weird. She knows why she’s there. She expects something to happen. If it doesn’t, the anticipation builds up so much that it gets awkward… and by the time you go for it, it feels like you were just too nervous to do it earlier, and girls interpret nervousness as creepiness or awkwardness (that’s what that means when you get accused of it usually).
So, moving the date forward rapidly enough isn’t all you need to do – you need to kiss the girl fast too!
And once you’ve reached that point, you’ve just about wrapped it up.
So keep this in mind the next time you’re racking your brain to figure out where to take a girl on your next date: keep it simple. And keep it somewhere close to your home (or wherever you’ll take her to become lovers).
That’s how Val Kilmer would do it, anyway.
Chase Amante runs GirlsChase.com, a men’s dating advice company based in Southern California. He’s the creator of several training programs for men on dating, including Spellbinding: Get Her Talking, a video program that trains men how to have spellbinding conversations with women. He recommends checking out “How to Kiss a Girl Like No One’s Ever Kissed Her Before“ as a natural follow-up article to this one for you to check out on his site.